A Brief Conversation Between Two Women Who Are Out For The Night With The Narrator Of “#SELFIE”

“Hey, Jess?”

“What?”

“Can I ask you something?”

“What?”

“I said, can I ask you something?”

“Did you say something? I can’t hear you! The music’s too loud!”

“Sorry! I’ll just, uh. Hold on… there, is that better? Can you hear me now?”

“Yeah! Oh, you smell really nice.”

“Oh my God, thank you! I finally switched back to antiperspirant. I know it’s supposed to, like, give you cancer, or whatever? But deodorant’s just not strong enough. It always wears off as soon as I start sweating, and then all my clothes just reek of b.o., and then it’s like, oh, sorry, did you want to wear that shirt twice before doing laundry? Not gonna happen. God, I bet I just stank so bad the past few weeks, right? But you just didn’t say anything? It’s okay, you can tell me now.

“No, I didn’t think you smelled bad.”

“Really? You mean that?”

“Yeah! I would tell you if you did.”

“That means so much to me. Really! I hate when people won’t tell you shit like that. Friends, I mean. I get why strangers wouldn’t tell you, but if someone’s your friend, they should be looking out for you, right?”

“Nicole?”

“What?”

“What did you want to ask me?”

“Oh, yeah… what do you think’s going on with Becca?”

“Which Becca? Becca K?”

“No, not Becca K! Ugh. No, Becca C! OUR Becca!”

“What do you mean, going on with her? I didn’t notice anything.”

“Really? Nothing at all? Not even when she was talking about Jason for like ten straight minutes? And then she made us take like twenty different selfies with her before we could go to the bathroom? And then, even after she finally got a selfie she liked, she took it down after like five minutes because it didn’t get enough likes, and we had to take a whole NEW selfie while we were in line for the bathroom?”

“What’s so weird about that?”

“Well, first of all, if she was just going to take a selfie while we were in line for the bathroom, couldn’t she have just done that to begin with? Like, if taking a selfie while we wait in line for the bathroom is an option, shouldn’t we have just gotten in line for the bathroom and then–”

“I get it.”

“That didn’t seem weird to you?”

“No. Becca’s always like that. You know she’s, like, addicted to Instagram.”

“Well, yeah, I mean, so am I. Like, I’m on there way too much.”

“Ugh, me too. It’s so addictive!”

“I know! But it just makes me feel so bad about myself. You know what I did, though? I turned off all the color on my phone. So it’s all in black-and-white now! It’s supposed to make it, like, less addictive, or something. I don’t really know how it’s supposed to work.”

“Was that all? About Becca?”

“I forgot what I was saying.”

“You said she was acting weird.”

“Oh, right. She is acting weird! She made us do a bunch of shots!”

“Becca loves shots. You love shots, too!”

“Yeah, tequila shots. But all of a sudden she’s making us do shots of vodka, like we’re fucking nineteen years old again.”

“Oh my God, do you remember Burnett’s?”

“Oh, my God. Don’t. Don’t.”

“Remember that pink lemonade flavor they had? And how we would store it in the freezer?”

“Jess, stop! I’m gonna throw up!”

“That’s exactly what you said the last time we had Burnett’s!”

“Shut up! You’re so stupid!”

“That’s exactly what I said to you the last time we had Burnett’s!”

“Ugh! You’re so stupid! I love you.”

“Oh my God, are they playing ‘Summertime Sadness’ again?

“Yes!”

“Damn, is something wrong with the DJ? Are they, like, still here? Or is it just on repeat?”

“Honestly? I don’t care. I fucking love ‘Summertime Sadness,’ I would listen to it a thousand times if I could.”

“You know what? Same! This song so good.”

“I know! It’s such a bop.”

“Ew, don’t call it that.”

“What? A bop?”

“Yeah, don’t call it a bop.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s … I don’t know, it’s like…”

“What? ‘Rachet?'”

“Ew!”

“I know! Since when does Becca talk like that? Like, I get it, it was weird that that guy was sleeping in the club, but like…”

“I don’t think he was sleeping, I think he was just passed out.”

“Same thing, right?”

“No, I think Becca was saying that he was, like, homeless or something? But I think he just drank too much, because they had to carry him out by his arms and legs. I think I heard an ambulance outside, too. I wonder if he’s alright.”

“Oh my God! Wait, stop, you’re getting me distracted. Becca!”

“What about her?”

“Okay, so even if you don’t think Becca’s acting weird at all, like, taking a thousand selfies and talking about Jason all night and doing a bunch of shots and basically just acting like she’s on coke, if nothing about that seems weird to you, I still have one question.”

“Yeah?”

“Where the fuck is she?”

“What do you mean? She was just… oh.”

“No, seriously, where is she?”

“Oh. Shit.”

“Right? That’s what I’m saying.”

“Alright, hold on, wait, let me think for a second. We got up to dance, and she asked us if we knew anyone else here, and we were like….”

“No, definitely not.”

“Right, right. And then… oh! She got a text from Jason!

“Yeah! And she asked us if she should go home with him.”

“And we were like, no definitely not.”

“Definitely not, yeah.”

“Like, ever.”

“Ever ever.”

“And then she said she was just gonna go talk to him. And said that Jason was still with that other girl, the one with the cheetah print top? So you tried to stop Becca from going over there.”

“Yeah, I like, grabbed her by the back of the neck, or whatever.”

“You were like a, a fucking female lion, picking up her cub!”

“God, it just, it feels that way sometimes, you know?”

“And after a minute, she said, fine, I won’t go over to Jason’s table, but I’m gonna go outside and smoke a cigarette. And you were like, wait a sec, I’ll come with you.”

“But then ‘Summertime Sadness’ came on, and I was like, oh man, I love this song–”

“Such a good song.”

“Right? It’s just so good, I gotta move, I gotta get out on the floor and dance.”

“And by the time the song was over, she’d already gone outside.”

“Oh my God, Jess.”

“What?”

“Look! Over there, Jason’s table!”

“Jason’s not there anymore.”

“Yeah. Exactly.”

“But Becca’s not there anymore either.”

“Yeah. Exactly.”

“Oh… oh. Wait. You know who else isn’t there?”

“That girl! The one who was hanging out with Jason all night! The one in the cheetah print!”

“So, you don’t think…”

“Becca went home with Jason… and that girl in the cheetah print?”

“Oh.”

“Oh.”

“…”

“…”

“Nice!”

“Holy shit, go Becca!”

“Yeah, oh my God! Get it!”

“That’s why I love Becca, she just does shit like that, you know?”

“Yeah, I love it. It’s so modern, you know?”

“Yeah, like, I didn’t want her to go home with just Jason, ‘cause he’s, like, a total loser? But I love that she just, like, walked over there and was like, hey, bam, check it out, both of you, I’m laying it down, here’s what we’re gonna do.”

“I really respect that. She knows what she wants. It’s inspiring, really, and it’s… you know what it is? It’s empowering.”

“Yeah! It’s weird, but, like, that sort of thing, like, super feminist, now. And I love that she feels like she can share that part of her life with us, you know? It’s really touching.”

“I love Becca.”

“Me too.”

“Oh my God, is that–”

“‘Summertime Sadness!'”

“Yes! I love this song!”

“Me too! I hope they never stop playing it. It’s such a–”

“Don’t.”

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