Top 5 Travel Destinations That Won’t Save Your Dying Love

1. Provo, Utah

Sure, a weekend in Utah won’t fix what’s wrong with you — anyone can see that, the woman at the front desk of the car service could see it in your eyes when you came in at 7am to pick up the keys before setting off on this ill-advised trip — but the rolling majesty of the American West is something everyone should see, even if they are locked in a two-person death-spiral of a relationship.

2. The Bahamas

Ask anyone who’s been there: the Bahamas is a great place to fight the creeping sense of dread that you now feel whenever you’re alone in each other’s presence. You can go dancing in one of the many local dancehalls, get a drink at a beach-side bar, or throw your money away on any number of temporal things that might trigger enough endorphins to momentarily distract you from the emptiness that you now feel where there once was warmth and affection.

3. New Orleans

Listen: you’re not gonna find what you’re looking for here. The thing you’re trying to find doesn’t exist anymore. You think you’re on a rescue mission, but you can’t rescue something that’s already dead. All you’re doing now is exhuming a corpse. You’re a grave-robber. Is that what you want? And don’t kid yourself, thinking that maybe if you dig up that corpse, maybe you can determine the cause of death so that maybe next time, maybe — no, no, no. The thing you’re looking for has been so utterly devastated that you wouldn’t recognize it if you found it, and if you did, you’d be so horrified that you’d wish yourself blind or dead. Trust me, you’re better off not knowing. If you ever find what you’re looking for, I pray God will have mercy on you.

And besides, did you know you can carry an open container of alcohol on the street in New Orleans? Woo! Grab yourself a hurricane and hit the TOWN!

4. Brooklyn

Just because you’re visiting NYC doesn’t mean you have to do it like a tourist! Hop on the subway and go on an adventure to one of the outer boroughs! In fact, get on a Brooklyn-bound 2 or 3 train and ride it out to Grand Army Plaza! When you get off, you’ll be greeted with the nauseating sight of the park bench you both sat on when your love was still young, when you were so full of love you felt your heart could barely hold it! It seems like a lifetime ago, but being here again will bring it all rushing back! And even though you know what will happen –you’ve known ever since your plane broke through the clouds and that hideous brown-and-gray skyline shot out of the ocean to taunt you — walk over to the bench and sit down! Put your arms around one another and grip tight to your heart to see if you can pull out even one bit of that love you used to feel, and as the years between now and then begin to collapse in on each other, feel the warm memories of days gone by tainted by the bitter, petty reality of your day-to-day life!

5. West Texas

Ah, there’s nothing quite like coming home after a long trip. I mean, it’s nice to get away once in a while, but you knew you had to come back here eventually, right? You knew it was always leading to this, that no matter what brief glimpses of happiness you may have caught out there, you were still circling around this moment, the moment when you step through the door and the stale air of your empty home fills your lungs and everything you had tried to escape settles in around you. You could never run from the truth, and as they step in behind you and close the door, you realize that you always knew you couldn’t run from it, and out of all the lies you’ve told, this is the one that makes you feel the most pathetic.